Learning Through Loss

This ministry year as we begin our Grow Leader Blog, I’ve asked our pastors and directors to write content of a more personal nature. In this first series of posts, each of us will be writing about a time in life where God grew us through a trial. Let me share one as we get started … 

My dad died when I was 19 years old. There’s a lot I don’t remember about those days, but there are a few “realities” that I’ll never be able to erase.  

The first memory that immediately comes to mind is of me sitting on the floor, out of sight, in our dining room, crying uncontrollably. I was trying to write in my journal, and I remember tears staining the pages faster than I could get ink to page. I was trying to process what had happened but had no idea that was what I was even doing. About that time, the phone rang. Yes, the home phone. One of my youth leaders asked if he could pick me up and take me to ice cream. I’m not sure I really wanted to talk, but I also didn’t want to be alone. As we spent the next couple hours together, we didn’t really talk about much at all. Yet, to this day it is emblazoned in my memory. Why? The ministry of presence! I needed it, you need it, we all need it. It doesn’t always require hours of intense conversation, just the commitment to be present and engaged in someone’s story. God used it to shape how I think about ministry, both then and now.

The reality hadn’t hit me at 19 that I wouldn’t have a dad to talk to me about getting married, having kids, or starting a career. All those realizations came much later as I relived the loss with each new father-less chapter of my story. But God! One of the greatest blessings I have experienced out of this trial of loss over the years has been the amazing way God has provided older men in my life to fill that spiritual gap for my growth. Men to disciple me as I got married, men to give me feedback as I started to lead in ministry, men to speak into my parenting, and men to pray with me about walking in humility and grace. Though I often wish I could have shared more “grown-up” memories with my dad, the blessing of God’s people has overshadowed any lingering loss in my story, and I can truly “consider it all joy”. 

Pastor Mark Spansel