Messy Relationships, Blog 2: How Expectations Can Destroy
“Well, what did you expect?” These words have often been uttered in an “I told you so” frame of reference, reminding the hearer that stupid choices cause unpleasant results.
It might serve us well; however, to actually think about what we expect. I suppose we could fall prey to two extremes: expecting the worst and being pleasantly surprised if it doesn’t happen or expecting the best and being sorely disappointed if it doesn’t happen. You may opt for the first approach, because it’s the only option that offers the prospect of true elation. Some may take these approaches even further, believing they are “self-fulfilling prophecies!”
Why would I want to spend time and energy considering my expectations? Because …
(1) MY EXPECTATIONS EXPOSE MY MOTIVATIONS
What do I mean by this? Most people are probably motivated by a desire for happiness – their own happiness and/or the happiness of others. Happiness is best described as experiencing pleasant circumstances. Of course, “pleasant” could be defined differently by different people, but generally speaking, we’re comfort-seeking creatures. (People who seek pain for the sake of pain are abnormal.) The problem, of course, is that life is a mixed bag; made up of good times and hardships. Some lives are fairly smooth; some are tumultuous. Because we live in world marred by sin, all lives are both!
(2) MY EXPECTATIONS DISPLAY MY THEOLOGY
If I don’t believe in God, either intellectually or practically, seeking comfort as my primary motive makes perfect sense. If this life is “it” for me and others, I should attempt to make mine as pleasurable as possible. Seeing the behavior of others (spouse, children, family, friends, co-workers, neighbors) as adding to or subtracting from my pleasure, will certainly darken my thoughts about them. On the other hand, realizing that I was created by God to enjoy Him and to serve Him, gives me an entirely different orientation – I’m not on the planet to enjoy the ride, but to be “used” by a holy, gracious and loving Creator! A.W. Tozer contrasts these two orientations as the pursuit of happiness versus the pursuit of holiness.
(3) MY EXPECTATIONS SHAPE MY ATTITUDE
When “life shows up” how do I view the event? Do I expect others and circumstances to contribute to my happiness? If so, my expectations will lead me to disappointment, anger, bitterness and depression. (Does this sound at all like our culture?) What if I’m trusting an all-knowing, wise and loving God? My expectation to be conformed to Him and to experience greater usefulness will not go unsatisfied! Rough circumstances and hurtful people threaten happiness, but enhance holiness!
(4) MY EXPECTATIONS AFFECT OTHERS
If dashed expectations cause anger and bitterness, it’s pretty easy to see how these emotions can spill over into the lives of others. Those within my sphere of influence can be infected. (“Hurt people hurt people.”) If, however, I accept the people and events in my life as useful in the service of a loving, wise Father; my expectations will dramatically shape my attitude! I may not be ready to act like I’m enjoying a party, but I can certainly affirm, “It is well with my soul!”
Expectations for ourselves, others and circumstances are not inherently bad, but we must be balanced within the designs of our Lord. Otherwise, expectations can destroy.
[Verses to consider: Genesis 50:20; Romans 8:28; Galatians 2:20; 2 Timothy 2:21]
RW Mackey
